Yesterday I was discouraged about a lot of things: the seeming futility of reaching out to others, my big and small failures, and money. This culture I live in, God bless it, takes a lot of money to keep up. I'm grateful that extreme poverty like Karthigai and Debu, our Compassion children, experience every day is not a part of my life. Goodness knows I'm not even strong enough to make it here in the land of plenty without crying out to God for help all day, every day. But yesterday was hard. I went home and cried for lunch. Just lay on the couch and cried. I'd called Dan before leaving work, and he tried his best to reassure me, using words that I've spoken to him so many times: "It will be fine. It's never NOT been fine, and you've always been well taken care of. Just think, this is the poorest we'll ever be!"
But I wasn't crying because I don't have money. I mean, I don't.. but I have everything I need and more. The bank account might be empty, but even so I can usually eat until I'm full, and I can usually make it where I need to go on the gas I have until the next paycheck. I've never been cold or really hungry. My roof doesn't have any holes in it, and my neighborhood is safe.
I cried yesterday because I was ashamed of myself. There I was crying and stressing and having to be comforted by an amazing young man who doesn't even have the comfort of knowing yet what job God's going to provide for him--for us. God has given me more than what I've asked for, every time. He's given me a good job that gives me abundant time to devote to the ministry and to fun. I have delightful friends and families that take me in as their own. I have a fishing pole and a baby tackle box that provide all the entertainment I need in life. My fridge isn't full, but it's got most of my favorite things ready to go. It's amazing how blessed I am. And still I have days where the tiny bumps in my road get the best of me and I break down and cry.
Amy said it's part of the human condition, and the struggle with my fallen self is what's frustrating me. She's right. I know I'm a child of the King, safe and secure and loved and provided for. It frustrates me that I need so much. It frustrates me to be stuck in a fallen world with a weak body and spirit, always crying for more from my Father.