Tuesday, June 30


I have been struggling lately. People close to me have made guesses about my out-of-sorts attitude lately.. I think it's because my old need to control and know what's coming next keeps sneaking up on me and I'm just tired of fighting it. I really don't want to be in control anymore. I want to be a faithful, strong Christian woman who can be at peace knowing there are no surprises to God and that He provides for me abundantly at all times.

I do know there are no surpises to Him, and I am 100% confident that He will care and provide for me always. The sad thing is, in spite of this comfortable knowledge, part of me stubbornly still demands to be kept in the know and wants to control and choose what I think is best for me. It doesn't matter that I know He has always chosen and will always choose the best for me. A nasty part of me left over from the past gets angry at God for not telling me in advance what's coming up ahead, for not giving me His omniscience. Basically the control-freak parts of me get mad at God because He knows everything and not me. When I'm feeling burdened or spritually attacked, I envy the complete knowledge He possesses about the future.

Then my controlling side's temper tantrum ends and my guilty side sets in. I have been so sad and out of it for the past few days because I'm ashamed to have been envious of God and His wisdom and knowledge. I informed Dan yesterday that I was sick and tired of myself and would he please drive me to summer Campaigners so I wouldn't have to be alone with myself. I'm not tired of myself in a dramatic call-for-help kind of way, but moreso of my bratty tendencies toward God, and how quickly I get mad at Him when I don't understand what's going on. And since when did it become my place to know everything anyway?

Praying for others helps me. Takes the focus off myself and same old perpetual struggles. Like my Compassion child, Karthigai, for instance. On Monday I received my first letter from her, full of tidbits of information about her family (she's a middle child of 5!) and how she likes to run and hop (Dan's personal favorite part). I nearly cried when she wrote at the end how grateful she was that I adopted her and that she prays for me every day. She signed off with, "Your daughter, K. Karthigai Selvi". I can't wait for Amy's little one to write to us. Debu is only four, so we're looking forward to getting some homemade art! Sarah's little 6-year-old, Caroline, sent her some pictures she had drawn with a fill-in-the-blank letter her teacher at the Compassion project probably helped her write.

I wonder if I could save enough money to go to India before Karthigai finishes school? Then I could bring Debu some clothes that fit..

Being a Compassion sponsor is one of the great joys of my life, along with the YoungLife ministry and my relationships with the people I love. Even though I can't be with Karthigai right now, I'm confident that she's being loved on, cared for, and taught about Jesus in the best way. I love that we are beginning a real relationship, slowly but surely across language and geographical barriers. I love that I'm not one of a thousand random donors, but that I am HER sponsor and she is mine. We pray for each other by name. And I believe that makes all the difference.

Pray with me for these friends of mine, specifically.

Joel, Katherine, MK, and Ford - on assignment for a month at YoungLife's Frontier Ranch property in Colorado.. that God would protect them from sickness and worry and allow them to see Him in new ways out in that beautiful place with the most wonderful people. That Katherine's mother would have safe, speedy travels to help out with the family. That no matter how long or short a kid's stay is out there, that God would use it to reveal Himself to them, and that Joel and the other leaders would be privileged to see it happen.

Molly - going to college in Atlanta in August.. that God would continue to reveal His love and purpose to her and to give her new strength and courage to beat the obstacles she continues to face every day. Praise Him for the heart-opening experience she had at Crooked Creek and that God would continue to pour into her heart through that.

My cabin girls (see a couple of posts back) - continuing to ask questions about Christ now that we're back in Macon after camping in God's country with YoungLife.. that God would hold their hearts open for Him only, and that He would protect them from all the things in their familiar world that choke His word out of their hearts. That they would have the experience of the seed that the farmer scattered on good soil, not among thorns or rocks or birds. That they would continue to bravely ask questions despite what their peers might say about them. Praise Him that I am so blessed to have a group of girls who wants to know Him even just a little more. It is the most uplifting part of the job.

Dan - continuing to search for wherever God would have him work.. that God would continue to work on his heart and give him little eye-opening moments. That God would provide a job for him. That God would continue to place the right people in Dan's path (thank you, Keith, Paul, Cameron, New City Church, and everyone) to point him him in the right direction. That he would remember not just that God provides for our needs, but God desires with all His heart to fill us up with the best. Praise Him that Dan is more confident than me at times that God will provide, and for Dan's patience and love for me even at my worst.

Steebo - preparing himself and all his relationships for his move at the end of September to YoungLife's Crooked Creek Ranch in Colorado.. that God would sustain him and point him in the right direction to find donors for the thousands of dollars he has to raise. That each of his relationships here would be preserved no matter how long he stays out west. That God would show him new, amazing family out there.

Karthigai - living on a plain in India with her family, learning about God and herself.. that she would know she is loved and valued and rescued and beautiful. That she would do well at school, work, and play. That she would remain healthy and her heart remain open for God to work during these important years (she is 12!). That any growth and blessing she experiences at the Compassion project would be extended and overflow onto her large, wonderful family.

Debu - Amy's Compassion child, also living in India but at a different region.. that he would have the opportunity for a carefree childhood, the kind you get when you are told you are loved, you are safe and provided for, and you can play to your heart's content with no worries. That even though he is so young (4 years old!) he would already begin to hear God's voice and convey it to others.

Devon - YoungLife/NewCity Cameron's son, YoungLife kid who also went to Colorado.. that he would continue to bravely and honestly admit his questioning of the faith and that he would know that doubt happens and questions are okay. That he and Dan would continue to interact positively and that the two of them might find the same Answer to their different questions together. That he would positively influence others rather than being negatively influenced himself. That he would be given a new gift of faith to share with everyone around him.


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