In my purse right now is a tiny pink notebook where I've started writing down things God speaks to my heart during the day.
God spoke to me very clearly this morning.
"You don't need to fight for yourself any more. I will fight for you."
Simple. But it addresses so many things for my heart in particular. All my life I've had this strong sense of personal fairness, which at times has not been in line with God's true justice. If someone hurts me or tries to take advantage of me in even the smallest way, I call it out and demand things be done in my "best" interest. I.e., what makes me feel the most satisfied or shows me in the best light.
At work a co-worker spoke to my boss in such a way that seemed like I was trying to get out of working on a certain day to be with Dan more during his visit. She didn't do it on purpose. But I could hear them talking, and I was burning to stop what I was working on and correct her statements. So I could look like a better employee than her words indicated. That's when God firmly, clearly told me to stop fighting for myself. I knew He didn't mean just this one insignificant moment, but all the moments where I feel like it's my right to step up and defend myself from other people. I've been fighting for myself for a long time. It's brought me nothing but temporary smug satisfaction (when I get my version of fairness) or sulky anger (when I don't). So, humbled, I kept my mouth shut and gave that tiny, unflattering moment to God.
Psalm 138 is a song of thanks. Apparently God got David out of some trouble. I don't know if it was a big military battle or just a little drama in his court. But God took care of it, as he always does. I realize (and will strive to remember) that God fights for us not just in big, earth-shattering moments but in the little ones as well. We aren't just supposed to trust Him when we're on the job hunt or our parents are getting divorced or the kids we've mentored are drinking their lives away or our own values are questioned. We should trust Him when someone cuts us in line at Publix, when we are the subject of false gossip, when we are accused of not caring by a stressed-out friend.
So thank You, God, for teaching me to leave even the smallest fights up to You to sort out. Thank You for reminding me that when I give way to self-serving anger that I'm taking my focus off You. Thanks for speaking clearly and making Yourself obvious to my stubborn heart.