Normally I am upbeat and positive. I really do mean the cheesy, encouraging things that come out of my mouth. (I also usually mean the awful, sometimes vulgar things that come out, but with
luck grace those words are becoming fewer and farther between.)
This evening for some reason after soccer I was making pancakes (yes, at 10:30 at night, and YES, they were amazing.. I am a master at pancakes if I do say so myself!) and thinking about my job search. Really, it's been going on since August when I lost the non-profit job and got the immediate blessing of the restaurant job. I just haven't been able to find anything permanent, or that I wanted to do that also wanted me. I think about that financial position I turned down because I thought--and still KNOW--it was not the right opportunity. (This is the one where the interviewer actually said to me that I would have to be okay with lying to my grandmother right before he offered me the job. I took a day to pray about it.. God was pretty clear on that.) I thought about the rejection e-mail I got today..
All the tiredness and worry I hadn't really been feeling sort of exploded right then. It's a little tiring to spend all day and night thinking of ways to sell myself to every potential employer, hoping that the ones who call back are legitimate AND that one of those will be the one God has ordained for me. I believe He has already set up the result of this job search, and that He knows what my next step is before I even choose it. I just wish I were more sure of myself, of that next step. But I'm not. The older I get, the less I know and the less cool I discover I am.
The more I think about not being good enough, the more I realize that I'm right. I'm not good enough. He is, and thankfully my future is in His hands.. and not at the mercy of my resume/cover letters/interview skills.
Feeling better now. Time to sleep it off.
Prayers up and fingers crossed, please! And pray for my friend Laura too, who is also applying for jobs left and right. Father, please grant us patience and wisdom above all other requests.