Sunday, May 8

Brian Regan

This man has made me laugh for years.

I had some Pop-Tarts this morning... Yeah, my doctor told me to eat more fruit, so, what better source than a thin layer in a strawberry frosted Pop-Tart... Melt the butter on top. I'm lookin' at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have two full sets of directions, they have toaster directions, which, I'm not makin' this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step, I don't know how... that's possible, that the directions are longer than one - you think it would be step one: "Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast 'em. It's okay. Hey, are you still readin' this?" But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps, I wanna be in the room watching somebody who has to consult these steps: "Okay, number one, remove pastry from pouch." Ohh. Okay, yeah. I see where they're goin' with this. We are bangin' on all cylinders now. "Okay, number two, insert pastry -" Oh okay... "vertically" Ahh ohh. "into toaster." Ahhaha. I gotta get a toaster! That's like two of like 17 toaster steps. And then they have microwave directions, you can microwave a Pop-Tart that just blew me away, that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart? A minute-and-a-half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might wanna loosen up your schedule. And I swear, it says, "Microwave on high for 3 seconds" That's all. I don't think I wanna wake up and be eatin' in 3 seconds, you know the alarm goes off. "AAAAA" Now! *shoves Pop-Tart in mouth* Oh, that's right! I gotta get out of here!! If your wakin', eatin', and haulin' in 3 seconds, it's time for a change of lifestyle.
from Wikiquote

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Happy Together

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